I haven’t been on this much. Neglected this among other things, not intentionally.
I’ve just been busy. I’m up generally for about ~21-36 (48 sometimes too), more if I’m swamped with things I have to do. This is on a weekly basis; I use the weekends to recuperate and get my mind back into place.
But it’s difficult.
After working for so long to ensure the crew stays effective and that everyone is safe, all a man wants to do is rest. Have peace of mind. I can’t control how often my job needs me, but I also can’t ignore home. I’m always forced to choose one over the other; more often times work. People die if the work is not performed correctly and the team is only as strong as their weakest link. Right now, I’m the weakest link. This crew calls me Ghost and they describe me as the force that keeps the team together. It’s in my nature to keep everyone together, I hate losing people.
But how can I keep this team together if I myself am in pieces? I’ve changed too much for some, but I still feel the same. Maybe I’m just not the person I thought I was and I feel like I’m going down in a spiral. I’m losing things left and right, and I have no control over it. It’s the most frustrating thing for your only problems to be ones that you can’t do anything about. What’s even more frustrating is trying to fix them and all you get is the cold shoulder. I can’t help but do what I have to do and delay things I want to do. It was my decision to be here, but I didn’t think I’d suffer so much for it.
I want to fight to keep this, but I’m not getting the same feedback. So now after being isolated out at sea, why do I have to feel the same way at home? It’s not fair. I feel like I’m being pushed away, and I’ve come to slowly realize I’m not wanted or needed around anymore. It fucking sucks. People have taken their lives or turned to substances to aid against the feeling of isolation. I don’t want to be one of them.
I know I have my family’s support, but I just don’t feel close enough to them for me to actually feel it. I feel sorry for myself because of that.
I don’t even know if I have anyone’s support anymore.
My foundation is breaking. All I really have left is my crew, but it’s just not the same. They’re good people, they really are. I thank them for every encouraging thing they’ve told me, but all I really want right now is to feel needed.
To feel whole again.